Flashpoint

I don't know if menopause has been playing a leading role in my attitude lately or if I have just reached my limit on .... well, everything.  I definitely want to blame the fact that the glasses I have donned this past week have been anything less than rose colored.  I am not the woman that walks around with tons of grace for everyone and every situation, nor am I once to pounce on every flaw, mistake, or error in judgment.  I like to think I try and see myself in the same situation and give a get out of  jail free card to the person needing it.  But this week I feel myself walking around with a scowl on my face and a need to police the world. 

Bad service at a restaurant.....I'm letting the manager know.

The bank's inability to manage the four accounts I have at their institution and the debit cards they issued without pin numbers......I am going to let someone know about the ineptness of it all and how I feel.

Trucker completely cuts us off on the turnpike.....he gets a hand gesture complete with suitable phrases.

Someone mentions how they don't have to work outside of the house and can leisurely go about their day.....and I am undone.  Tears and all. ( I kind of blame that one on a long day yesterday on my feet....Okay, I know, it was envy.)

I picked up Women Who Run With the Wolves and turn to these words. 

"When a woman has trouble letting go of anger or rage, it's often because she's using rage to empower herself.  While that may been wisdom at the beginning, now she must be careful, for ongoing rage is a fire that burns her own primary energy.  To be in this state is like speeding through life "pedal to the metal", trying to live a balanced life with the accelerator pressed all the way to the floor.

Neither is the fieriness of rage to be mistaken as a substitute for a passionate life.  It is not life at its best; it is a defense that once the time of needing it for protection is past, costs plenty to keep.  After a time it burns interminably hot, pollutes our ideas with its black smoke, and occludes other ways of seeing and apprehending."

 

I know that when the anger started this week, I felt like I was in a place of not having control.  I am very aware that no one really ever has control of anything, but this was control of my little sanctuary of home and hearth.  So I began seeking control over anything that touched my life.  As a result, I have a hotter than hot anger with a flashpoint that is immediate. Hopefully by recognizing this I can begin to address the real issues at hand. 

 

Anger and Envy are close relatives that spur one another on but never really have a shut off valve.  My hope is that I can keep my mouth shut.....my hands inside the car window and work on myself before I do any real damage to myself or others.